He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
