I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
