i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
