Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
