Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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