I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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