his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
