my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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