You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
