Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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