i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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