When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
