Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
