My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
