Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
