so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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