i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
