I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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