I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
