She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
