I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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