Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
