ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
