I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
