Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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