Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize