dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
