is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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