Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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