just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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