I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
