I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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