my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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