i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
