I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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