I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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