Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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