whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
