Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
