I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
