You just made me feel so damn special
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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