oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
