i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
