I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
