Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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