so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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