someone owes me an orgasm
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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