Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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