My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
