loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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