One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
