It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
