you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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