Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
