there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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