Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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