Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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