I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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