Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize