I need help removing her.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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