Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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