dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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