When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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